They say you should learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others.They also say those who do not know or accept history are destined to repeat it. I wholeheartedly agree.
It flatters me that my friends seek my advice. It's just nice to know there are people in the world who value what I have to say, who seek me for advice, and who feel my words hold merit.
I'm a slight 23 years of age; there's nothing old or wise about me personally. But I have seen this world through the eyes of many people (and if you believe in reincarnation, I think I've been around awhile), and have been a person with much larger ears than mouth for the majority of my cognitive life.
And your faith in my words and the fact that you willingly come to me for advice is complimenting and appreciated by me. I can't count the number of people who trust my non-bias and who feel comfortable sharing some of their darkest or lowest moments with me in order to have help carrying a burden. Love woes, love whoas, job stress, educational decisions, drug addictions, religious convictions, et cetera -- I've been there for you through it all. And will always be.
But I have THE worst time asking for advice. And it is of no reflection of my friends. It has simply become engrained in me that I give, I do not seek. It's of no fault but my own that I've allowed this to happen. Over the course of my entire pre-teen through college years, I was an image of stability, understanding, okayness, and reliability.
I have a difficult time opening up to people . . . hard to believe? Tell me, when was the last time you and I had a conversation about what's going on with me? Hard to say, right? That's because I'd much rather talk about you.
I will say, excluding family (which includes Angela, Jonesy and, recently added, Detra), there are two people -- ONLY two that know me . . . fully.
One of them, I spent the last two and a half years working on being 100 % candid with. He encouraged me to be honest about what I was feeling or thinking, to not worry abouty hurting him, so long as what I said was truthful, and to trust him.
The other person and I were put in a situation where, due to assignments, we were required to be candid with one another. I was essentially positively forced to trust the others in CRW and, from that, came a bond with one girl that will forever remain one of my very best friends -- Traci.
This might come as a shock to you, but Traci is the one friend in the world I can tell anything to and not worry about any detrimental reprocussions. The first person, despite what he always told me, is not now and will never be a friend of this caliber, and that's because moreso today than ever, it is obvious that most times he does not practice what he preaches.
And because of that, I am yet again reminded of why I'd much rather hear you talk about you than talk to you about me. Why would I dare open myself up to someone when the possibility of judgment, detrimental reprocussions, and backwards progress is greater than the possibility of good? And it seems the odds of such are even greater now that I've seen it happen with the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally and without the reason of family being a factor. It saddens me and makes me more reluctant that ever to be honest about myself.
I'm not blaming any person but myself for feeling this way, not even Jon-Michael. I take full credit for being closed off about my feelings but encouraging discussion of the feelings of others. It's a defense mechanism (and one that I doubt I'll ever lose), almost like raising your voice when you hear the voice of the person talking to you raise.
Consider my encouragement of a discussion of your feelings not only a reflection of my compassion and honest interest in what moves and plagues you, but also my attempt at seeing to it that others in the world are less reluctant to talk about their feelings than I am. And should you ever get a hint of my slightly aloof side, please don't take it personally, you're just not Traci.
And I almost feel sorry for the boy who comes along and intends to sweep me off my feet for life -- he's going to have a long and tiresome journey, but should he endure and be patient and loving (which I know the right one will), his dedication to me will greatly pay off. And for his endurance and patience, I love him already.
Comments