My character was challenged.
I was called selfish and it was implied that I cared too much about money and how it is spent. To know that I've given someone the impression that these are qualities I possess is indescribably nauseating. I am not these things, I do not possess these qualities. And I never want to be perceived this way.
What I do possess is the desire to protect people from making mistakes. I might even go so far as to say sometimes I think I know what's best for a person better than they do. I do that with the best of intentions, but I'll admit I probably have the wrong approach at executing these moments. But I am not selfish.
I want to make sure people do what's best. And based on conversations and confidence between friends, I know the aspirations of people. And when I hear of those people making decisions that contradict the aspirations I know they possess, it's throws me into interfere mode.
I step in, albeit usually with poor execution, and try to convince a person to decide otherwise. Apparently, when this backfires I end up looking like a major ass. But if I didn't care about a person, I wouldn't interfere. And if looking like an ass is the only side effect, I'll take it. But when my character is criticized and my intentions are said to be ones purely beneficial to myself, I have no option but to grow defensive.
When I realized the way I was coming off most recently, I was, as I said, nauseated and immediately began to apologize. I admitted I approached the situation the wrong way, I came across as something I am not, and that I never want to be perceived as selfish or fueled by money. The apology and attempted clarification was all but completely disregarded.
I suppose this means I could try caring less about the person, but that actually pains me. I simply cannot stand by and let people make impulsive decisions that contradict things they've told me they're working toward and not speak up. For the people I love, this is something I do. I'm not saying I couldn't find a better way to approach these situations, but in the most recent case, a better way would probably have solved nothing -- this person apparently just flat believes I am selfish.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this; I've just got to get things off my chest. Honestly, I thought I'd gotten this situation resolved last night, but this morning I've been given reason to believe otherwise. And that's where the frustration comes in. People 'settle' with me because they'd rather not argue. To me, that's the same as admitting I have valid points, but they don't want to admit they're wrong.
Character is a by-product of your life choices, your actions, your words, the way you represent yourself -- my character is all I've got. My reputation -- the qualities that make me who I am are the only things I have a reason to defend. I am a good person. I'd be an idiot not to protect the general perception of me. But I am not so wrapped up in making sure that my character is good that I'd put that above my genuine love for the people in my life and their well-being.
So even if my style of execution is poor, my intentions, dear friends, are true and true to YOU.
I have qualities I need to work on, of course. Perhaps I need to be less aggressive, less pit-bull-ish? But my tenacity is part of me. But I'm afraid if one person sees me this way, do others? Like I said, I don't know where this is going.
I can't help but question if you can't see that my intentions are pure, than maybe I need to address my actions. But I will not let go my tenacity. As my tenacity is part of my vibrance and my vibrance is part of the reason you love me in the first place.
I was called selfish and it was implied that I cared too much about money and how it is spent. To know that I've given someone the impression that these are qualities I possess is indescribably nauseating. I am not these things, I do not possess these qualities. And I never want to be perceived this way.
What I do possess is the desire to protect people from making mistakes. I might even go so far as to say sometimes I think I know what's best for a person better than they do. I do that with the best of intentions, but I'll admit I probably have the wrong approach at executing these moments. But I am not selfish.
I want to make sure people do what's best. And based on conversations and confidence between friends, I know the aspirations of people. And when I hear of those people making decisions that contradict the aspirations I know they possess, it's throws me into interfere mode.
I step in, albeit usually with poor execution, and try to convince a person to decide otherwise. Apparently, when this backfires I end up looking like a major ass. But if I didn't care about a person, I wouldn't interfere. And if looking like an ass is the only side effect, I'll take it. But when my character is criticized and my intentions are said to be ones purely beneficial to myself, I have no option but to grow defensive.
When I realized the way I was coming off most recently, I was, as I said, nauseated and immediately began to apologize. I admitted I approached the situation the wrong way, I came across as something I am not, and that I never want to be perceived as selfish or fueled by money. The apology and attempted clarification was all but completely disregarded.
I suppose this means I could try caring less about the person, but that actually pains me. I simply cannot stand by and let people make impulsive decisions that contradict things they've told me they're working toward and not speak up. For the people I love, this is something I do. I'm not saying I couldn't find a better way to approach these situations, but in the most recent case, a better way would probably have solved nothing -- this person apparently just flat believes I am selfish.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this; I've just got to get things off my chest. Honestly, I thought I'd gotten this situation resolved last night, but this morning I've been given reason to believe otherwise. And that's where the frustration comes in. People 'settle' with me because they'd rather not argue. To me, that's the same as admitting I have valid points, but they don't want to admit they're wrong.
Character is a by-product of your life choices, your actions, your words, the way you represent yourself -- my character is all I've got. My reputation -- the qualities that make me who I am are the only things I have a reason to defend. I am a good person. I'd be an idiot not to protect the general perception of me. But I am not so wrapped up in making sure that my character is good that I'd put that above my genuine love for the people in my life and their well-being.
So even if my style of execution is poor, my intentions, dear friends, are true and true to YOU.
I have qualities I need to work on, of course. Perhaps I need to be less aggressive, less pit-bull-ish? But my tenacity is part of me. But I'm afraid if one person sees me this way, do others? Like I said, I don't know where this is going.
I can't help but question if you can't see that my intentions are pure, than maybe I need to address my actions. But I will not let go my tenacity. As my tenacity is part of my vibrance and my vibrance is part of the reason you love me in the first place.
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