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July 5, 2019

The sand in the surf of the ocean can never go back to where it was before it met the wave. But that doesn't mean it's not still sand in the surf of the ocean. If there's one thing I remind myself of to help get through things, it's that life is a series of waves. Some waves are going to be horrible - they may nearly drown me - and other waves are going to be smaller, and deceptively devastating. And others still may barely have an impact, and hell, maybe I'll even enjoy some. For me, it's the visual of it all being waves that helps me get through. Just like a wave, I know this feeling will pass. And that's helpful when it's painful because I have told myself for years that I can endure just about anything if I know it won't last forever. It's also helpful when it's a joyful wave because it makes me cherish each moment of it as a gift. In both the good ways and bad, I will most assuredly be different after each wave passes. And, call it o
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June 27, 2019

-- I remember spinning a top when I was a kid. I would watch it, in awe of its smooth, silent, and almost flawless twirling.  When I close my eyes, I can visualize it - how it almost appeared to my child mind to be entirely motionless. When it's balanced like that, even though it's spinning, it's silent and still. And every part of itself is designed for this very behavior.  A beautiful, flawless spin like this is its entire purpose. I can remember a time when, with my eyes focused intently on my spinning top, I witnessed the fraction of a second in which it lost balance. I didn't see why. Maybe it was a simple grain of sand on the floor. But the top, it waivered. And that grain of sand had ended things.  It was only a fraction of a second - a moment of contact between the sand and the top. But I can remember how it flew wildly and erratically in all directions. And now our top is knocking and hitting and spinning. It will likely stop any secon

June 11, 2019

I tried something new today. Detra invited me to try a Barre class with her. It was intense, but so much fun. I confirmed I do not know how to dance, but the room was full of delightfully uncoordinated women, so I fit right in. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and I really don't like what I see. Especially in the area between my boobs and my butt. I'm so big in the middle. It's not what I want. Maybe having Detra coaxing me out of my safety zone will help me discover new and adventurous ways of trimming down. Who knows.

June 9, 2019

It's raining. It has been most of the weekend. It's one of those effects you don't expect - for the rain to make you sad after the loss of a loved one. It makes perfect sense in hindsight. I love the rain. But now, for now, it makes me kind of sulky. I'm staying inside today. Thinking about Susan and about the plans we might have made on a weekend like this. Yesterday I made the impromptu decision to take Dominic to the antique shop because I knew Jeff was helping Mom and Dad. While there, Jeff mentioned a vinyl store in Ocala called Vinyl Oasis that was having a massive overstock sale - CDs, cassettes, and vinyl for $0.50. He had never been there before and obviously neither had I. I helped Jeff wrap up with Mom and Dad, and they offered to keep Dominic for awhile, so Jeff and I could check out the sale. We were sitting on the floor of the store, doing the hunt for treasures when it occurred to me - this isn't something I've ever done with Jeff. This is s

June 2, 2019

Today I had a really rough time. Last night I couldn't sleep. Because I made the mistake (it's not reallly a mistake) of reading my Instagram DM chat with Susan and reading my Facebook DM chat with her too. Goddamn I miss her. I ended up sleeping in until 10 AM while Dominic watched cartoons in my room. We got up, I made him a weekend breakfast, did some around-the-house projects, and then packed a lunch and headed to Green Lantern Antiques for the afternoon. There Mom, Dad, and I talked about Susan a lot. And we all three cried. It's so hard to comprehend that she's not just someplace else right now - like we're not just waiting for her to get back from somewhere. Goddamn I miss her so much. We went home from the shop around 5 PM. Mom and Dad headed home too. And from that point, my heart was just so tremendously heavy. I made Dominic some dinner, we showered and bathed relatively early so we could snuggle up and relax for the rest of the night. As we wer

May 30, 2019

It's a strange sensation - that of death crossing your path. I honestly don't think it can be summed up in singular words. I can't just call it chilling, because I'm boiling with rage. I'd never call it sad because the word has lost its meaning to wilted flowers and sappy, tragic love stories on the Oxygen network. I could call it catastrophic, but even that word is overused in this fucked up reality - what with genocides and humanitarian crises across the globe. There's just nothing that compares to being toe to toe with Death. There's nothing like it at all.  Maybe the closest I've come to figuring out a word for this sensation is unpredictable . I wake up each morning and I don't know. I just really haven't got even the most remote idea of what the day will look and feel like. Right now, for instance, I just got back from visit Dominic at Harmony. It's the end of the school year and today was Water Play Day. He was having so much f

May 28, 2019

On Facebook six years ago, I wrote that I made a list of things that make me happy with Susan. I'm deciding to do this every year. Granted, it'll probably not ever be a complete current list, but at least it's indicative of me carving out time to think about what I have to be grateful for and to acknowledge its existence in my life, whatever it  may be. Things That Make Me Happy: May 2019 Playing with Dominic Drinking coffee in the morning, alone Driving the Wrangler Listening to music Watching Dominic dance to Lean on Sheena (the Bouncing Souls cover version) Writing (to Susan, on the blog, to Dominic via email) Sitting outside Tending to Susan's garden Soaking up sunlight and vitamin D Walking outside in the neighborhood Spending time with Mom and Dad Planning trips Discovering and listening to new podcasts Reading about new and interesting things (recently: Chernobyl, Mount Everest) Practicing the guitar