Today I had a really rough time.
Last night I couldn't sleep. Because I made the mistake (it's not reallly a mistake) of reading my Instagram DM chat with Susan and reading my Facebook DM chat with her too.
Goddamn I miss her.
I ended up sleeping in until 10 AM while Dominic watched cartoons in my room. We got up, I made him a weekend breakfast, did some around-the-house projects, and then packed a lunch and headed to Green Lantern Antiques for the afternoon. There Mom, Dad, and I talked about Susan a lot. And we all three cried. It's so hard to comprehend that she's not just someplace else right now - like we're not just waiting for her to get back from somewhere.
Goddamn I miss her so much.
We went home from the shop around 5 PM. Mom and Dad headed home too. And from that point, my heart was just so tremendously heavy. I made Dominic some dinner, we showered and bathed relatively early so we could snuggle up and relax for the rest of the night. As we were getting ready to snuggle up, Dominic hugged me super hard and said, "I know you're sad because of Tee-Tee, Mommy, and that's okay."
Goddamn I miss her so much it hurts.
JM got home from work about this time. He was ravenously hungry. He ate his dinner and I tried to talk to him about Susan, but he wasn't present and it hurt to talk about anyway. So I gave up. I didn't even make it to the top of the stairs before the sadness overcame me. I was sobbing before I got to my bedroom. I laid there on the bed, crying. Eventually Dominic came looking for me. He sat with me to cheer me up. It was the most genuine compassion I've ever witnessed from him. He first tried to behave as if he came up coincidentally. He said he couldn't find the TV remote, so he came to ask if he could use my phone. But then he hugged me, he offered me cookies, he sat with me, kissed my cheek, and he said so thoughtfully: "I know why you're sad, Mommy, and it's okay. Tee-Tee was your sister and she was my aunt and we miss her. But she's still alive because we planted all those flowers for her. We could go outside if you want. But if you don't want, that's okay too. I'm here." This child is four and he knew what to say and how to act. And as I lay there crying, he offered one last piece of comfort - "wanna play Legos? You always have fun doing that."
Dominic went ahead of me to get the Legos out and start planning what we were going to create. I took some more time laying there. JM came in check on me. He sat with me mostly in silence while I tried to work through the pain of it all.
Goddamn I miss her so much it hurts to breathe.
Will this ever get easier?
Last night I couldn't sleep. Because I made the mistake (it's not reallly a mistake) of reading my Instagram DM chat with Susan and reading my Facebook DM chat with her too.
Goddamn I miss her.
I ended up sleeping in until 10 AM while Dominic watched cartoons in my room. We got up, I made him a weekend breakfast, did some around-the-house projects, and then packed a lunch and headed to Green Lantern Antiques for the afternoon. There Mom, Dad, and I talked about Susan a lot. And we all three cried. It's so hard to comprehend that she's not just someplace else right now - like we're not just waiting for her to get back from somewhere.
Goddamn I miss her so much.
We went home from the shop around 5 PM. Mom and Dad headed home too. And from that point, my heart was just so tremendously heavy. I made Dominic some dinner, we showered and bathed relatively early so we could snuggle up and relax for the rest of the night. As we were getting ready to snuggle up, Dominic hugged me super hard and said, "I know you're sad because of Tee-Tee, Mommy, and that's okay."
Goddamn I miss her so much it hurts.
JM got home from work about this time. He was ravenously hungry. He ate his dinner and I tried to talk to him about Susan, but he wasn't present and it hurt to talk about anyway. So I gave up. I didn't even make it to the top of the stairs before the sadness overcame me. I was sobbing before I got to my bedroom. I laid there on the bed, crying. Eventually Dominic came looking for me. He sat with me to cheer me up. It was the most genuine compassion I've ever witnessed from him. He first tried to behave as if he came up coincidentally. He said he couldn't find the TV remote, so he came to ask if he could use my phone. But then he hugged me, he offered me cookies, he sat with me, kissed my cheek, and he said so thoughtfully: "I know why you're sad, Mommy, and it's okay. Tee-Tee was your sister and she was my aunt and we miss her. But she's still alive because we planted all those flowers for her. We could go outside if you want. But if you don't want, that's okay too. I'm here." This child is four and he knew what to say and how to act. And as I lay there crying, he offered one last piece of comfort - "wanna play Legos? You always have fun doing that."
Dominic went ahead of me to get the Legos out and start planning what we were going to create. I took some more time laying there. JM came in check on me. He sat with me mostly in silence while I tried to work through the pain of it all.
Goddamn I miss her so much it hurts to breathe.
Will this ever get easier?
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