never fully-clothed or intentionally misinforming

I had a nap on the couch. I just woke up to a phone call from Patrick. And while I was laying here trying today decide if I should go back to sleep, I remembered my dream. Last year, Susan came to Dominic's year-end performance for Harmony Learning Center. During the nap, I dreamed that she came to the one this year. I was running late and when I got there, I first sat down in the back. And then I saw her a few rows up, with no one sitting on either side of her. I quietly moved up and sat down with her. We held hands as we watched Dominic do his last school performance with his classmates at Harmony.

In ink on my wrist you're permanently affixed. You and I, always.

Either just after he was born or while I was pregnant, Susan gave me an idea to set up an email address for Dominic and to write to it periodically. So I've been doing that for awhile now. Today, while I was drinking coffee at the cemetery, I thought I ought to start telling future Dominic some things about his Tee-Tee. Today's email: My Dearest Dominic, I'm sitting at Highlands Memorial Garden Cemetery in Ocala, FL. I say that because who knows where I'll be when you read this. Who knows where we might live. Where YOU might live. You could be grown for all I know.  I'm visiting you Aunt Susan, my sister, your Tee-Tee. She passed away March 22, 2019 - just past your fourth birthday.  And oh my god did you love her.  The bond you shared with Tee-Tee has never been replicated, not even between you and your dad and I. It is extremely rare and special.  The day you were born, she was the first to hold you after me. And from the moment she knew you existed, w...

I had a dream right before I woke up and if I don't write it down, I'll forget. Susan and I were together in a hair supply store like Sally's. We were looking at hair dyes and talking about how she gave herself a cut and color once. And she loved it and I loved it and some people made fun of her for the harshness of the black she chose. We hugged so hard in the dream I could feel it in my sleep. And when we we're hugging she told me softly that all her fish hooks we're missing. But she smiled when she said it, like maybe she knew it didn't make much sense. Or maybe she knows someone swiped them from her room to keep as a memento. (I thought of Dad.) I will remember the feeling of that hug and the smile on her face all day. Edit: I have thought more about Susan mentioning fish hooks. I wonder if it's some kind of symbolism. Not that someone literally took them, but that maybe she's missing the ones she needs in order to catch something or someone. It...

I feel like my heart is broken - or maybe like a piece of me is missing. This whole Living Without Susan thing is going to take some getting used to for me - I imagine for all of us. Honestly, I could come here and tell all of you all about Susan, the adventures we shared, the memories I have, the love she held in her heart for each of us. But we all know Susan - that’s why we are all so sad. So, I’m going to talk about me instead. I’m going to tell you all how profoundly l ucky I am. And how honored I am to have spent 34 years living in Susan’s light. I learned so much from her. I learned courage and tenacity from Susan. And I learned unwavering dedication, loyalty, and strength from her as well. I benefited so greatly from her presence. It’s hard for me to comprehend that I can’t do that anymore - that I can’t just bask in her radiant light anytime I want. I think there’s still a protective layer of disbelief in my brain - and maybe that’s self-preservation, I don’t know. But...

"Whenever my head starts to hurt Before it goes from bad to feeling worst I turn off my phone I get down low I put my hands in the dirt" --Jason Mraz We made a memorial flower garden for Susan today. JM and I took Dominic for breakfast and then to Lowe's where he picked out each flower he wanted to plant in Tee-Tee's garden - careful to include at least one from each color of the rainbow.  It's a beginner level garden and Dominic is looking forward to the responsibility of watering and loving the flowers. He also knows he shouldn't pick them.  : While we were planting, we had a visit from a lucky lady bug. She came by quite early in the garden-making process and when we checked in at the end, she was still on that little purple flower. Hi Susan!

Ray Charles once said "I was born with music inside me. Music was one of my parts. Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood. It was a force already within me when I arrived on the scene. It was a necessity for me - like food or water." Susan believes the same about herself. She believes it so wholly that the entire quote is tattooed across her ribs. Fitting, right? I am confident each of us connects music to our memories of Susan. And honestly, we'll all p robably connect different kinds of music to her. She was beautifully open-minded about music just as she was about people. She found something to appreciate about just about every kind of music she heard. My big brother Jeff has created this playlist. It's wonderful, eclectic, and thoughtful, which is exactly how she would have made it herself. I am listening to it right now and it's making me happy. If you're missing Susan like I am right now, give it a listen .