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April 15, 2019

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I feel like my heart is broken - or maybe like a piece of me is missing. This whole Living Without Susan thing is going to take some getting used to for me - I imagine for all of us.
Honestly, I could come here and tell all of you all about Susan, the adventures we shared, the memories I have, the love she held in her heart for each of us. But we all know Susan - that’s why we are all so sad.
So, I’m going to talk about me instead. I’m going to tell you all how profoundly lucky I am. And how honored I am to have spent 34 years living in Susan’s light. I learned so much from her. I learned courage and tenacity from Susan. And I learned unwavering dedication, loyalty, and strength from her as well. I benefited so greatly from her presence.
It’s hard for me to comprehend that I can’t do that anymore - that I can’t just bask in her radiant light anytime I want. I think there’s still a protective layer of disbelief in my brain - and maybe that’s self-preservation, I don’t know. But I’m honestly waiting for it to slip. That’s not going to be a good day for anybody, I know that.
It’s hard for me to imagine life without my sister. It’s even harder for me to imagine life without Dominic’s Tee-Tee. I can’t talk much about that duo though because I wouldn’t be able to speak through the tears. But you all know how he was the apple of her eye and she is the apple of his.
All I know right now is that life is darker without Susan. And the best I can come up with to compensate for that darkness is to let in as much light as possible by celebrating her life and legacy as much and as often as I can.
--
I wrote a version of that to say at Susan's service, but the lump in my throat persevered. And I think it's better here anyway. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
I know many of my friends (and their friends) have already shared the fundraiser for my parents. I am awestruck at the outpouring of support, to be honest. The emotional and financial traumas of handling the funeral and burial arrangements and payments while grieving have been indescribable. I cannot stress enough how strongly I feel about making my own arrangements now, while I can, to save my loved ones the excruciating task of doing it for me while picking up the pieces of their broken hearts.
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