Transitional Phases.

My good friend, Anna, just finished college at UNH. We exchanged a few quick words about it over Facebook (what have my friendships come to?) that can be summed up in one quick quote from the scholar: "oh. Ok. That part of my life is over now."

Weird.

You know that proverbial fork in the road that we most times never actually see, but instead unconsciously make a decision one way or another about? What about the times we do see it? Very seldom can I recall being able to actively, presently recognize when my life's course was shifting. But the times I do recall are incredibly strange.

"Well, I get that's the end of college."

Or what about the day I woke up and knew, without a shadow of a doubt, I wanted to be a mother? And soon. I'm not so sure I saw that fork, but I knew I'd come to it in those first waking thoughts - it was uncanny; as if I awoke a different person than I was when I had fallen asleep.

So, what do we do when our lives seem to naturally head in one direction, but we still want to make stops along the other route? About being a mom -- I want it, but I also want to travel Europe before I have kiddos. Can I do it all?

I keep thinking about my friends Khuong and Shannon. They are now married, happily in love, and traveling and advancing their careers. I want to know how it's done. I want that life.

I'm starting to wonder if it's my banking career that holds me back. Maybe I need a more liberal job; something artistic. Something less stringent and rigid. I could use that kind of freeing release, honestly. But would that resolve my worries about being able to accomplish all the life goals I have? Doubtful.

We'll see. As if I don't make enough lists, maybe I better make one of life events I'd like to accomplish and prioritize them. Then we'll see what happens. I'll post the results.

tonight, tonight.

You know, I bought a house in June of last year. I'm a suburbanite now. It's bizarre - I live in a country club, which is NOTHING like what I thought I'd do. And, almost a year in, I'm starting to get a little nervous it wasn't the right move for me.

Fairly regularly I battle with emotions about growing up on the path I'm on. Why am I 28-years-old and still unmarried? Why do I have wild and awesomely accomplishable ideas, share them with friends, then learn that my friends have successfully executed my ideas, while I've anchored myself tightly to the root system in Rainbow Springs? Khuong and Shannon, who moved to NYC on a whim a few years back, just got job offers in LA, so they decided to go. There was a going away party thrown in their honor in NYC and at that party, they successfully pulled off the surprise wedding idea JM and I shared with them last year when we met up for lunch while they were in town. I'd be completely lying if I said I wasn't 100 % envious of the fact that they do what I dream of doing. And pretty significantly resentful of the fact that JM and I have not gotten married.

The problem is, I can't decide what I want more from life -- traveling the country, and ultimately the world, partying with new and old friends and doing whatever I feel is going to bring me happiness in that moment, or settling down in a house, with a hammock, living, vacuuming, gardening, and having babies. Truthfully, I'm not sure I can pick one over the other. And, in the interest of full disclosure, I did intentionally make the latter sound less appealing. That wasn't fair. There is much to love about the path I am currently on. Stability, for one.

But why do I have feel like I'm in a rut. A serious one? Probably has something to do with not being able to recall my last real adventure. Was it the Grand Canyon? If it was, dear God, it's been too long. If it wasn't, what the hell was it then? I don't know; some days I feel so lost. I work, I work out, I spend my days off cleaning house and gardening. It's nice and all, but it's not all I want to do with my life.

I've yet to find a formula that makes it possible for me to travel with JM, own our own home, see the places we want to see and also raise a family. I mean, can that even be done?

Just for fun, we took all the romance out of future planning. We decided we need to be married before the end of the year, so that we can have babies before my eggs dry up and get dysfunctional. But somewhere between marriage and babies, we need to travel to Europe (hello Austria). We also decided that, even if we can't pull off a surprise wedding (the mere mention of it publicly makes it highly unlikely) we still want something incredibly small - like 20 people - maybe at our house or at the park here? It's pretty damn beautiful around these parts.

JM is in the running for a potentially sweet job that, if all goes well, could mean the difference between having to wait another year for an engagement and a wedding to possibly just a few months - we'll see. There are so many good things that could come out of this job offer he's gotten. Best case scenario, he makes enough money we are debt free, living exactly how we'd like (which is still pretty modest), and whatever income I have can be put purely toward savings (which would actually mean more traveling and such). That'd be pretty damn awesome. If that happens, who knows - maybe I could have my globe-trotter cake and eat the suburbanite frosting too.

Until then, I sleep, because this worker bee has errands tomorrow.

Thirteen things to do in 2013

You know, everyone has their quirks -- some people are notoriously anal about how their closets are organized, some are particular about how they sort their CD collection. Me? I have a quirk -- sure. Should I jump right in and let you know? I mean, where's the fun in that? A little suspense never killed anyone. 

My thing is, I list everything. Everything. All the time. It may be a compulsion. But I accept it. As 2012 comes rolling to an end, I find myself thinking about what I want out of 2013. 

1. a new car

2. an engagement ring from J.M.

3. significant raise

4. at least $3000 in savings account

5. clean out the garage

6. lose 40 lbs

7. successfully complete the 365 Photography Project

8. a vacation for J.M. and I to a new place

9. a consistent, sustainable, active lifestyle

10. 

11. 

12. 

13. 

I can't think of the rest right now, but there's more. There has to be more. <3 div="div">

Christmas.

Yep, you'll be seeing more of me on here. I officially got a laptop for Christmas from truly the best boyfriend - future husband - I could ever have asked for. Seems like we've reached this unfamiliar, yet welcome place where we're so blissful and grateful.

It's not the laptop that makes him the best, it's the fact that he listened, that he knew I could use it -- not just that I wanted it, not just that I would like it -- but that I could use it, and that he surprised me with it. An ace in the hole, as he called it.

Feels good to be writing from bed. Who would complain?

I've been watching How I Met Your Mother and, to be honest, I love that show. It's weird -- kind of a cliché show, the kind of show that makes you wish you had that life -- friends always together at the bar after work, telling awesome adventure stories, growing and changing together. That's the kind of life I sometimes sit around and wish I had. Yet, at some point in life, I strayed from my friends -- we've all scattered to the wind and gone our own ways.

It's okay though, because 1. I have JM by my side, day in and day out and 2. when we do eventually all come back together, it's going to be glorious.


Now, it is 2AM and I best get some sleep.

I'll be back soon with something more worthwhile to say. For now, I'm falling asleep with a laptop on my bedside table and a diamond ring on my finger.




(no, not that finger.)

Spark Coach

I started a program on SparkPeople called Spark Coach. It's a daily tool for wellness that is designed and personalized to help keep me on track and making progress. I'm not sure how I'll like it, whether I'll actually use it, or if it's going to work even if I do use it, but nevertheless, I'm trying it. 

I'm actually quite disappointed in myself. I woke up late for work because our power was out, so I was -- upon waking -- immediately pissed. Then, as if I didn't know it would be a bad idea, I stepped on the scale to learn I'd gained three pounds since the last time I weighed myself. Pardon my french, but what the fuck?

I then went to work and proceeded to eat practically an entire 8 ounce bag of yogurt-covered raisins over the course of the day. Before driving home and making a smoothie (hey, props for that) and cooking a personal pizza for dinner. I'm sorry, but these are not behaviors I know to be a true description of myself. Where is this coming from, what has prompted this rapid and despicable consumption?

I've been watching Sex and the City for the last few weeks -- it was not a series I was ever interested in when it was airing, but now that I'm closer to the age of the characters, I can relate. The odd thing is, it makes me want to go out, drink cosmos, shop, and flirt. Again, such bizarre behaviors for me - although these urges I'm not acting on like I am the eating ones. 

I also know I haven't been drinking enough water lately. My bottle usually travels with me, but I've gotten so lax about it, I totally forgot it at home today (or maybe I forgot it because I was such a wreck headed to work this morning). Okay, so the lack of water intake could have a little something to do with the appetite increase. Nine times out of ten, the brain confuses the thirst sensation for hunger. Stop next time you think you WANT to eat and ask yourself, have I had any water lately? First, go for the water, if the water doesn't please the desire, then go for a light snack. Then again, who the hell am I to give that kind of advice?

So back to the Spark Coach. The first action item I had was a visualization: 
Imagine dropping off your now-too-big clothes at a secondhand store after you've reached your goal weight. How does it feel to let that part of your past go for good?

Here's what I think: My target weight requires me to lose a total of 42 pounds. With that victory comes a serious need for an entirely new wardrobe. And that, my lovely compadres, requires a seriously plump wallet. 

So -- hypothetically how does it feel to let that part of my past go for good? It feels euphoric to have accomplished what once was such a daunting task. It feels overwhelming AND exciting to have to buy all new clothes. It feels liberating to know I'm finally fully pleased with my body. 

Spark Coach: step one -- complete. 

I'm thinking my thoughts are...

Our country is getting in shape, so should I. It might be time to rejoin a gym. There is a full service one locally that is owned by the same guy who owns the one I used to frequent. My thoughts are, I'd like it. About $100 for a year - probably well worth every penny. My thoughts are, there'd be far less distractions there than home. My thoughts are, I'd better wait until after the holidays, I have so many other things needing my attention, I'll need to make playlists first, who will go with me? My thoughts are diversions and excuses.

My thoughts.

My thoughts are only controlled by one thing and that's me. My thoughts are mine. I need to change my way of thinking.

I think if I exercise more, I'll feel more energized. I think if I schedule time for exercise, I will feel more organized. I think I ought to do what my initial hought was to do... Join a gym.

Fest or Famine.

I'm experiencing horrific heartache right now.

The only music festival I have ever loved, the Fest, is happening without me in Gainesville, FL, while my aged body sits at home, bonding with a package of Oreos and reruns of Sex and the City and polishing off the second half of a bottle of Moscato a friend brought over one night..

I cannot begin to define how much I wish I were making that up. I'll spend the next (if I had to guess) two paragraphs doing my best to convince myself I'm bigger than the sweaty, lust-hearty allure of the Fest, but to be candid, there isn't much I've loved more in the last ten years. Maybe not even my boyfriend. Ouch, sorry honey. It's just, nothing truly compares. Oh, silly me, I'm so dramatic.

Have you ever felt that though? Have you ever felt the kinetic, bustling energy of a city full of people who all love the same chords? The same lyrics? Maybe some sports fans could relate. The fans of those teams who've won national championships in their home towns -- those fans can probably relate because the entire city erupts in pride and fiery energy that practically requires setting fires (like the time the Gators won their second national championship and people set furniture on fire in the streets) to release the ball of unstoppable force within.

A city full of people who all love the same music though, that's peaceful, not fire-starting. Each of the last ten years, as I walked the streets of Gainesville, my body and my mind were always at peace. Hipsters, haters, punks and hippies. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, always got along. I wore a shirt one year that said "free hugs" and before the end of Friday night, I'd already lost count. People are happy at the Fest. People are so geeked to be there -- so grateful to be surrounded by other music lovers who share their passion and their musical politics. (enter more Moscato). People there don't have to struggle for connections. They don't feel cast out into the shadows. We all, whether we acknowledge it or not, are part of the same cult. We LOVE our music.

The history, for me anyway: It started one year, many, many moons ago. Some relatives of friends we'd met on a whim called my sister, who lived in Gainesville at the time, and asked if they could sleep on the floor of her college apartment the weekend of Halloween if they came down for a music festival. Susan, obviously, said yes and we became fast friends with a handful of New Englanders who'd come down for the next half dozen years without hesitation. Each year, a little different than the last. We'd stay at hotels, rent cars, sometimes they'd fly in, other times they'd drive. I'd bike all over the city some years, and foot it others. We'd do pool parties at the hotel and block parties when the venues closed. We were wild and free and that shit was awesome. Enter Corporate America. Now I get my kicks off buying shit like a goddamn blender...

No, I'm not bitter. I need to write about something happier tomorrow. Rest in Peace, Fest. Moving on hurts, but it must be done.